When we communicate, most of the attention goes to the words.
The story.
The explanation.
What’s being said.
Conversation becomes something we try to “get right” — as if the goal is to transfer the correct meaning from one person to another.
But in deeper change work, the words are often the least important part.
They’re just the surface.
What actually matters tends to show up somewhere else.
The Quality Beneath the Word
There’s always more happening than what’s being said.
You can notice it in:
- a shift in breathing
- a slight tension in the body
- a pause that wasn’t there a moment ago
These aren’t random.
They’re signals.
The system is always communicating its state — even when the words stay the same.
Most people miss this, not because it’s hidden, but because attention is already occupied.
Thinking about what to say next.
Trying to be helpful.
Trying to move things forward.
And in doing that, they tune out the part of the conversation where change is actually happening.
What Gets in the Way
To notice these signals, something has to quiet down first.
If your attention is busy — planning, analysing, trying to fix — it creates noise.
And that noise drowns out the subtle shifts that are already occurring.
When that internal pressure drops, something different becomes available.
You start to notice:
- when the person settles slightly
- when something softens
- when the tone of the conversation changes without explanation
Those are often the moments where movement is happening.
Not in the words — but underneath them.
The Problem with Following the Story
When someone is describing a problem, the story can become very convincing.
It loops.
It repeats.
It reinforces itself.
And it’s easy to get pulled into it.
Trying to understand it.
Trying to respond to it.
Trying to solve it.
But staying inside the story often keeps everything exactly where it is.
Because the structure of the experience isn’t being touched — only the content.
The shift doesn’t come from changing the story.
It comes from noticing what’s happening around it.
The Power of a Pause
One of the simplest ways to notice this is through silence.
Not forced silence.
Just not rushing to fill the space.
When the conversation slows, something else starts to show.
Attention moves away from the loop of words and back into direct experience.
You might notice:
- a breath changing
- a moment of stillness
- a different kind of response emerging
These moments are easy to miss.
But they’re often where the change begins.
A Different Way of Listening
Listening in this way isn’t something you “do” to someone.
It’s more about how you are while you’re there.
When you’re settled and not trying to push the conversation anywhere,
you create space for something else to happen.
And in that space, the system often reorganises on its own.
The words that follow tend to be different.
Not because they were forced —
but because something has already shifted underneath them.